Notes on the festival season as seen from a RiRi Island POS
I'm writing from the front lines of the festival season to bring you the breaking news in festival happenings and microtrends. There's not a mud-slide-street-look or over-ambitious amount of fringing that gets past this news desk and we'll be spending the next seven days dissecting every last sequin of Suki Waterhouse's parakeet's waistcoat and showing you how to get the WHO THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE IN MY SLEEPING BAG look down to a T.
But first, let's get to what we all actually want to talk about: your #OOTD. All our trends are now available in real time thanks to our on-site delivery drones enabling purchases straight to your tent to enhance your fully immersive festival experience. Forget getting your CK knickers in a twist over packing before a festival or what the MIC crew will be wearing under their panama sun hats because thanks to some serious Y3K vibes over at head office, you can just turn up naked and order from the campsite itself.
For those of you with a little more penchant for dressing in your own handcrafted/bespoke style (bless), our pop-up-in-store trend advisers will be working overtime in the coming weeks to ensure every single customer is dressed head-to-toe in one of four carefully curated looks we've manufactured to look phenomenal in every Instagram filter. That's right you guys, even Brannan. No one looks good in that shit. Head over to the right of the Pyramid Stage to visit our full scale model of an actual high street RiRi Island, complete with full accessory lines and menswear for those pesky bfs dragging their high-top converse heels at the thought of you spending some quality time making yourself look gorge. GET R34L!
When you get here we can help you switch things into monochrome with summer's Uber Chic Sports Luxe feel, or go Lo-Fi with cut off Daisy Dukes, lace crop tops and some kind of marijuana leaf baseball hat leftover from our Rihanna collab although you never smoked one and actually felt quite protective hashtag outraged over Louis and Zayn's recent dabble.
Anyway, I totally digress and have orders to fulfil. Welcome to festival season, punks, keep it cheeky and remember to hashtag #totalsellout for a chance to be in with a chance of winning a free pair of YourTasteFuckingSucks ankle socks.